It's About Me

…I would be this shook up about my mother’s death. I loved her, obviously. I knew she was sick. I really thought I could convince myself that she’d be better off passing on than staying here, and if I only concentrate on that sick person, I don’t do too bad. But that’s not who mom was. She was strong, controlling, funny, and we could talk just about anything for hours. It really totally sucks that she’s gone. I never really thought it would be this bad.

I honestly never thought much about my mom dying. She was always so strong, and such a life force (and not always in a good way) in all our lives, that I just figured she would outlive us all. She was ornery enough to do just that, so I think my mind has a real hard time believing all this past month is real. It’s very difficult for me to deal with. Much harder than my grandmother’s death, and I find that the most surprising of all. I wasn’t always close to mom, but Ma – she was the best ever.

I haven’t been able to concentrate since mom died. I was so totally focused on her needs the weeks leading up to her death, that I focused on nothing else during that time. Now, I feel like I can’t find my place. I start to do a little work, then think about something else, and move on to it, then realize I’ve done 6 other things in the span of an hour and none of it what was planned or needed to be done. Sometimes, I find I’m not doing anything at all. Just sitting and staring.

Most worriesome is that I haven’t prayed. I haven’t prayed since my last prayer over mom for God to have mercy on her and take her away quickly and painlessly. I’ve said prayers with Dev, but they were just words. I’ve said prayers at supper but those were just words too. My heart isn’t in it, and I feel broken. So pray for me if you’re reading this. That I find my way back to the living and to praying and to God who I know (in my logical mind) is the only one who can really help me. I’m so just damn sad and I miss my mom. She turned out to be a really good friend, and I miss her. This whole thing just sucks.

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